staring down struggle

Hello again! It’s been three weeks here in Bolivia now, and there’s a lot of news to bring everyone.

In a sense, nothing has changed. I’m still loving everything in my little city, from the food to the culture to the many people I’ve befriended already.

Thinking about it from another perspective, however, it can also feel like everything has changed.

There’s a lot of uncertainty around me, from changes in my day-to-day work to questions about what the rest of my Fulbright grant will look like.

More details are coming soon when they’re solidified, but a lot of what I took for granted when I arrived here at the start of February may just be flipped on its head.

Why I think it’s relevant for today’s update is because recognizing one’s struggles is crucial to growth. If I’m going to stay true to my intention of chronicling and celebrating how I’ve grown over my time abroad, reflecting on the difficult moments is non-negotiable.

Happy and excited though I may be, I do have some early struggles to share, and I think they’re worth focusing on today.

First, though, some pictures ;)

Here’s a few glances at Apoyo’s 22nd birthday party, where I got to meet a few members of the board of directors and share a meal with my coworkers in the office to honor the foundation’s 22nd anniversary.

Those are some of the friends I’ve made in my first month here (they’re amazing!); they’re a big reason why I’m having so much fun right now.

The “balneario” I got to visit recently with some friends on a day off from work! It’s a public pool with fun water slides, sports fields/courts, and more fun things. That beautiful mountainous backdrop is visible around town from all sides, by the way.

Alright, now let’s talk struggle.

First, here’s a little about why I’m struggling.

If I’m honest, it’s been painful coming to grips with the fact that my Spanish isn’t at the level I want it to be. I always feel like my Spanish is worse while I’m abroad and way better when I’m back home, so it wasn’t a surprise when I began to feel the pendulum swing here.

That said, it still hurts knowing I’m not quite communicating at a level of fluency and when I don’t understand someone or make a mistake in speaking, it sticks with me.

On top of that, adjusting to Bolivian daily life hasn’t been as simple as I’d hoped it might be after my other experiences being abroad.

This country isn’t quite like others I’ve lived in in Latin America, and this is definitely the most “adult” I’ve been abroad in terms of my living situation and my stage of life. I’m not studying abroad, I don’t have trip leaders taking me around, and aside from the great friends I’ve been making, I’m on my own as far as what to do and where to go. It’s exhilarating, don’t get me wrong, but it’s tiring and it’s certainly not easy.

Furthermore, my work situation is stressful to say the least.

Lots of changes are taking place at the foundation, and I’m finding myself having to take on a few roles I wasn’t expecting to due to personnel changes. On top of my grant research, I’m now expected to lead marketing, social media, and other public-facing efforts that are somewhat related to my expertise, but a little more work and a little less connected to my grant purpose than I’d bargained for.

But more than any of those things individually, I think something interesting I’ve realized is that I’m struggling because I’m allowing myself to struggle. And that’s actually a good thing.

Here’s how I’m struggling, then.

What it comes down to is that I’m recognizing something important—struggling is proof of the fact that 1. I care about what I’m doing and 2. I’m really experiencing life here.

Those are both great signs, and I’m trying to lean into that reality as much as I can and not shy away from the difficulty they bring. I want to unpack each one a little more, though, because the two are distinct.

First, genuine care in something causes struggle when it doesn’t go perfectly (which news flash, is pretty much never!). Things aren’t lined up exactly how I want them, and it’s a positive that I’m not indifferent to that. I know I’m here for a reason and my desire to see good things come of my time here is strong. I’m thankful for that and the struggle is a helpful reminder of the interest I have in my work.

Then there’s the fact that real-life experiences, and changes in scenery particularly, come with pain and frustration. There’s never been a time where that wasn’t the case, and there never will be. When I’m a little on-edge and stressed when new situations and surroundings come my way, that means I’m actually facing hard things head-on and finding ways to cope authentically.

In both these cases and many more small ones, I’m allowing myself to struggle and not shying away from the disappointments that come along with it.

To clear things up, though, I don’t want to struggle forever. I’m not here so I can tough out three months and go back to being comfortable; the whole point is that what’s going to grow me and make me better when I’m home requires some struggle at times.

Bad times are the cost of really positive personal returns, and it’s a trade I’m more than happy to make. But in the large and small moments of stress, I’m learning to give myself grace and remind myself why things are the way they are rather than get down on myself and hide from trouble.

And until the returns come, I’ve got some awesome reasons to stay happy in the form of great people, great food, and those little moments of realization that I’m living out a dream by being here full-time.

That’s more than enough to keep me going while I put in the investment on the front end. Growth is coming, and the struggles are the way I know that for sure.

Next time, I’ll recap how my first month has gone from a grant perspective and what I’ve learned about my career field from being here and setting up the foundation for what my grant legacy will be.

By the way, if there’s anything specific you’d like me to write about or you’ve got a particular question, reach out by email! dkotula.fulbright@gmail.com is the best way to do that. Excited to hear from you!

Blessings,

Danny